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Alcohol kills people. But how many people were born because of it?

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you coming.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Don't call me. Al-cohol you later!

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening or impossible.

Growing up? I do so much nonsense, but not everything!

If I'd own a car repair shop, I’d name it "Auto Correct".

If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much comfortable couch.

I have no idea what you mean, but I'll be part of it!

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five, because it's negative.

I was wondering why cars got bigger as they got closer, then it hit me.

I wonder if the clothes in China say: 'Made around the corner.'

I didn't change, i just grew up.

My memory is so bad. How bad is it? How bad is what?

My plan is to change the world. But I’ll settle for just getting out of bed.

Rubix cubes are easy, when you're color blind.

Short people are just compressed awesome.

Sleep is for the people without internet access.

They say so many people die because of alcohol. Perhaps they never realized how many of them were born because of it.